my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
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one last job
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
jesus christ confetti not now
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
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hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range