No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
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I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
put ‘er there pardner!
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
My wedding will be open casket.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.