put ‘er there pardner!
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if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”