Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
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rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
LOL
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.