I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
You Might Also Like
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
God has left this place
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.