Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
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My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.