My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
You Might Also Like
are they though??
WHY?!
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”