[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
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me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*