Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Spa day..😅
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
I want to meet the individual who made this
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
