Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
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If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
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Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
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It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any