It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
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“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.