It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
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Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time