Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.

Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months

14: I don’t have a signal.

Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-

14: It’s back.

Me: Good talk.

the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire

cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there

*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar

Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?

Born to be mild.

I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.

[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?

Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.

Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.

MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS

morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it

Going to a wedding today:

Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.

Clearly I have work to do with the little one.

Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry mat

Yes, it’s another four mat tweet.

[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..

[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where

I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.

May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job

Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”

Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”

Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”

I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this

I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.

If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”

[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope

[at the gym]

Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”

Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”

70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses

him: can you pour me a glass of wine

me: there’s only enough left for me

him: there’s a whole bottle

me: yes

1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face

For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”

I reply, “Good. You?”

And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.

He never makes plans to go out.

I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.

As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.

[Spelling bee]

Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-

Contestant:

Moderator: *sweating*

Contestant:

Moderator: forklift