Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
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The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell