Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
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Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.