Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
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Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future