Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
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Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.