SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
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I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.