Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
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I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies