It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
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Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.