Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
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ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
My blood type is coffee.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
So, can we agree on 4 or
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?