Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
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I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Me too
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.