This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
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wow he looks just like him
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
BETRAYAL
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.