If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
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Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.