Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.

I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.

Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.

Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.

Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.

I love you…

…r dog.

ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?

DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.

I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions

Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan

*rubs lamp/genie appears*

*makes me listen to ads before each wish*

People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!

People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?

KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.

Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.

I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.

You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.

“A Game of Phones”

Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office

Satan: yeah, welcome to hell

Me: well, I guess it could be worse

Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee

Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO

“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”

I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.

doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived

When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.

The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.

My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.

Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.

Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.

Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.

Me: Secretly? No.

Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.

If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you

10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex

Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay

If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.

DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?