you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
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“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato