6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
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“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do