My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
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Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
Jail
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
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