If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
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The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Animal poetry
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.