My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
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*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans