I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
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Me if I was a dog
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
War & Peace
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((