We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
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Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
i love meeting boys on tinder
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”