if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
You Might Also Like
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
this is what they would have looked like, though
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.