“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
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“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
love it when they get my name right
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card