@TrueTorontoGirl Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
@tarastrong “Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
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@TrueTorontoGirl 
@_Kim_Jongun The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
@MrEmilyHeller Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
@randomlawless I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
@SatiricalMommy Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
@Rollmaninoz [starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
@XplodingUnicorn 3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
@corysnearowski My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
@brennadine One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
@jctwritesstuff I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.