You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
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Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
I triple waxed for this?
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.