“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
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Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
Who does Amazon think I am?
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back