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Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.