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A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah