Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
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Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
ME (calling my horse with no name):
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
This meal prepping shit is easy
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Meowchelangelo
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends