That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
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A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.