If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
You Might Also Like
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]