Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
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Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
It’s an epidemic…
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable