FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
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Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
oh u like geography? name every lake
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.