Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
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[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
me after drinking all the wine:
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
My new favorite headline
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.