When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
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Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.