Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
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VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.