[Hospital Parking Lot]

Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.

Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.

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It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..


ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?

WIFE: Your crocs are melting.


“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.


The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.


When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.

Or so I’ve been told.

Twice now.


If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.


“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”

*inventor of the RV


[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog


[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.


I treat the Steam store like the fridge.

I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.