[Hospital Parking Lot]

Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.

Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.

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A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.


Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.


*stares into the abyss

The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.


date: i like a guy who’s strong-

me: i can bench 130 lbs

date: enough to tell the truth

me: on the moon


I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.


I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.


Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
*Gore kicks door down*


*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*

Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!


If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.


“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday