@TweetPotato314

[Hospital Parking Lot]

Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.

Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.

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@JackeeHarry

It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..

@Tommytoughstuff

ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?

WIFE: Your crocs are melting.

@bornmiserable

“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.

@_kayditty

The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.

@LoveYoorFate

When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.

Or so I’ve been told.

Twice now.

@thrill713

If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.

@bartandsoul

“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”

*inventor of the RV

@MarfSalvador

[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog

@notalogin

[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.

@CountDankulaTV

I treat the Steam store like the fridge.

I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.