@TweetPotato314

[Hospital Parking Lot]

Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.

Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.

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@PaulyPeligroso

A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.

@ADDiane

Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.

@TheAlexNevil

*stares into the abyss

The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.

@TweetPotato314

date: i like a guy who’s strong-

me: i can bench 130 lbs

date: enough to tell the truth

me: on the moon

@saltssaltgirl

I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.

@Marlebean

I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.

@noog

Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG

@Laser_Cat

*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*

Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!

@imbrucetheshark

If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.

@TheTimmyToes

“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday