The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
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[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat