Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
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My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
My blood type is b hungry.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted