no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
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It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Peace was never an option
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me