Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
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My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
My neck my back my allergy attack
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Effort made
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]