tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
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Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
Yup.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.