The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
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If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
*mops up wine with cat*
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.