wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
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The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.