I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
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Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Salad is the decaf of food.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
I think this should do it.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children